Move it
Now you'll have to excuse me a moment, but have these people not the tiniest inkling of a slight connection to the reality of London? Yes, despite my years of campaigning, numerous near criminal record experiences and sky high blood pressure, there is not a campaign to legalise the violent bludgeoning of people that walk slowly down the street. No. Instead there is a campaign to get people to slow down in London. What. The. Fuck.
Of course I get the rationale. Its such a busy city, people work so hard and for so many hours. They don't look at the historic scenery nor observe the comings and goings of its eclectic and diverse population. Fine. A few points.
Its a recession, pick your sodding feet up and get a job/keep your job. Darwin and/or Tebbit are coming to get ya. If you work too many hours, then bloody well don't, go become a monk.
You're meant to see London as a blur. Isn't that what they do in all the pop videos and general London promo's? Besides, it's pretty grey and shit if you look too closely.
If you want a slower pace of life and beautiful scenery then go to the countryside and get a dog, that's why they were invented. I bet you most people running around London stressed are those needing to get the last train to the home counties in the vain hope that their dinner isn't in the dog, that their kids might recognise them and that their husband/wife might just be awake enough for a few seconds of bad sex...actually make that bad intercourse.
And what about if I just want to bloody well get somewhere. You know, some time today, so that I can then enjoy that thing, or get to that thing so I that I can get to the next thing, the thing that I want to enjoy. You know, the pub.
Thankfully, via the borg of knowledge that is Facebook, I can begin the fightback. As well as confirming my suspicion that slow walking is mainly perpetuated by malicious bastards doing it to wind me up, I can prove that people who, like me, wish to bring violence to those that walk slow.
Facebook tells me that there are a number of groups supporting slow walking, or but with very few members (slow walkers, of course, have no friends or social skills). However the two groups with the largest membership question wish violence on the slow walkers..
Armed with my robust evidence, i now plan to obtain funding for the "can everyone just get a fucking move on" week, sponsored by Red Bull, Nike and whoever makes baseball bats.
However, you really should let people off the tube before attempting to get on. That's not getting a move on, that's just being a knob.
Filed in Personal